Jan. 1, 1804. Preached in the afternoon at Trinity Church with seriousness, but with little feeling. Visited a house in Wall's Lane after church, where I met with two men, to whom I gave, I think, a clear and convincing warning. I exhorted my hearers this day to think on their ways. May I think of mine! On the review of my journal of the last year, I perceive it has been of late becoming a diary of my life, instead of being a register of my state of mind. And this is to be attributed, partly to sloth, and partly to having devoted too much time and attention to the outward and public duties of the ministry. But this has been a mistaken conduct. For I have learned, that neglect of much and fervent communion with God in meditation and prayers, is not the way to redeem time, nor to fit me for public ministrations. Nevertheless, I judge that I have grown in grace in the course of the last year; for the bent of my desire is towards God, more than when I thought I was going out as a missionary, though vastly less than I expected it would have been by this time. In heavenly contemplation and abstraction from the world, my attainments have fallen far short of my expectations: in love to man, I perceive little or no increase. But in a sense of my own worthlessness and guilt, and in a consequent subjugation of the will, and in a disposition for labour and active exertion, I am inclined to think myself gaining ground. I have had few seasons of joy since my ordination; for many of the duties of the ministry have called to light the hidden evils of my corrupted heart, and my exertions in prayer have been to keep them under. I have however much to complain of in slothfulness in that duty,--that I do not stir up myself to lay hold upon God; yet my soul approves thoroughly the life of God, and my only desire is to live entirely devoted to him. Oh may I live very near to him the ensuing year, and follow the steps of Christ and his holy saints! It will be attended with much self-denial and warfare, nevertheless it yieldeth the peaceable fruits of righteousness to them who are exercised thereby. I have resigned in profession the riches, the honours, and the comforts of this world, and I think it is also a resignation of the heart.

2. Spent, I hardly know how, very unprofitably; for want of a previous regulation for a time of leisure.

3. A sense of my present deadness and unprofitableness, as likewise a regard to my bodily health, determined me to devote the day to fasting and prayer; but I could not get near to God: in all my confessions for myself as an individual, or member of the church or nation, I could feel no contrition; nevertheless, though the cloud hanging over the nation, and my own pride, cast a heavy gloom over my mind, with a sense of guilt, and of God's displeasure, I strove against an evil heart of unbelief, which tempted me to depart from the living God.

4. Rose late, as I have done several times, and when this is the case, I seldom begin or perform the duties of the day with satisfaction. Read much of 'Edwards on the Affections,' about humility, and was much profited. In hall and in the combination room, I sought to exemplify a Christian spirit by mine, and found by those moments of recollection, when I was able to do it, that my usual temper and conduct differ very widely from what they ought to be. In the evening my soul drew near to the Lord, and pleaded with him a long time for understanding and strength, to fit me for a long life of warfare and constant self-denial. I prayed to see clearly why I was placed here, how short the time is, how excellent to labour for souls, above all to feel my desert of hell, grace to enlighten my eyes in those dark and gloomy seasons of outward trouble and desponding faith, grace to enable me to despise the indulgence of the body, not to shrink from cold, and hunger, and painful labour, but to follow the Lamb wheresoever he goeth, and that he would bring all these things to my remembrance the next, and every succeeding day. In all this I did not feel any desponding fear, against which I prayed, hut the contrary. But my want of humiliation was apparent and painful. My soul longeth for perfection, but has not yet learnt the secret of happiness,--a poor and contrite spirit.

5. I retained on my mind the savour of last night's meditation: for humility seemed to be my object, if not my temper. Preached on Isaiah lxiv. 7. Oh, let not my sermons rise up in judgment against me! A few friends supped with me; but though my own mind was well disposed for religious conversation, I could not lead them to it.

6. Was preparing the whole day for the evening, the subject, 2 Tim. i. 12, was very cheering and comforting to myself in the morning; but after dinner I was languid and indisposed to any exertion, and low-spirited. At the society I was very dull, both in exhortation and prayer, and so were the people. There were but six; with little appearance of devotion; the sense of my exceeding unprofitableness was very humbling to me: yet it had not the effect of drawing me away from God, and so I was contented to be thought little of by men. I rightly attribute my present deadness to want of sufficient time and tranquillity for private devotion.

7. Hoping to give some motion and liveliness to my mind, I sought to give it recreation this morning, by reading some of Thomson's 'Chemistry,' and Jon. Edwards on 'Original Sin.'

8. Full of anxiety; relieved at times by prayer. Preached at Lolworth. Called at three of the houses, and found them as ignorant of the gospel as heathens. Oh, let it not appear at last, that the Lord hath hid his face from them, on account of the unworthiness of their teacher! May he pour out his Spirit upon them and me, that I may warn them even with tears! On my road home I met with Mr.--, and sought to improve to his good the death of his brother. During the rest of the evening, I was groaning under the most dark, distrustful, and unhappy thoughts. The little appearance of life-devotion among the people of Lolworth, either at public worship or at other times, and returning home in a cold snowy night, had, I suppose, these melancholy effects upon my mind, and made me dispirited at the prospect of missionary hardships; but they would not have this effect, except on account of the burden which--is to my mind; the Psalms this evening were in entire unison with my feelings. I could have repeated those words many more times, "Why art thou so heavy, O my soul, why art thou so disquieted within me? "I got most nearly to peace and happiness, by labouring to feel myself the meanest of God s creatures, and the desert I have of being consigned over to eternal punishment.

St. John's, January 9, 1804.

I heard of the death of your brother, my dear Sargent, some time ago; but I had neither inclination nor leisure to write to you immediately after. I hope the first impressions of grief are now somewhat worn away, but that you retain that blessed effect of sanctified sorrow, a tender spirit, which to me at this time appears so desirable, that I could be willing to suffer any thing, or do any thing to obtain it. I should judge by your account, that he could have hardly attained the age of moral agency, and so we may hope he is among those of whom it is said, "Of such is the kingdom of heaven." I trust that the melancholy event has, in answer to your prayers, been beneficial to--. If not yet in the degree you could wish, yet cease not to pray for her. But how can I encourage you to a duty in which I am so languid myself, so seldom disposed to "stir up myself to take hold upon God?" How necessary is self-denial in this as well as every other duty, through the corruption that is in us! Sometimes I feel the most ardent and strong resolutions to fight manfully, to exert all the powers of the soul unceasingly in mortifying the flesh; but these resolves are short-lived: sometimes through forgetfulness, sometimes through weakness, I find myself giving way to ever-craving self-indulgence * * * *

I thank you for the kind interest you take in my missionary plans. But unless Providence should see fit to restore our property, I see no possibility of my going out, Most probably after all, I shall be settled at Calcutta, in that post which Mr. Grant is so anxious to procure some one to fill: for by this the pecuniary difficulties which attend my going out would be removed. * * * * *

You told me some time ago, that the multiplicity of business which would attend me as Mr. Simeon's curate, would leave little time for reflection on my future plans; and truly I find your prediction fulfilled: for the composition of sermons, and preparing for the societies, confines the hours of devotion into far too small a compass. Nevertheless I have found my spirit disciplined by these more active parts of the ministry, so as to perform with willingness those duties from which once I used to shrink. * * * *

Farewell, my dear brother,--amidst all the afflictions of the gospel, and truly they are not few, we shall also be made partakers of its consolations. The contemplation of the eternal world is of necessity my chief happiness, and yours I hope by choice: for though this world demands your attention more than mine, you have learnt to give it its right value. In our Father's house there are, I humbly hope, mansions prepared for us, purchased only by the blood of Jesus, who will also keep that which we have committed to him till that day.

H. M.

11. At the funeral of Mr. Mann, at Lolworth, felt very solemnly: though the entrance into eternal joy, when my body should in like manner be laid in the dust, appeared too good to hope or believe.

12. During the day was thinking on Col. xiii. 1--3. Mr.--stayed an hour, and unexpectedly edified me much by his conversation about repentance. Walked in the afternoon, and was able to pray steadily with some seriousness. Walked about with Professor Parish till church-time. He observed that if I went out under the patronage of the East India company, there would be more danger of worldly-mindedness: on my own account I should prefer a state of poverty. Was more perplexed than ever this evening about--but that only determined me to leave the matter entirely to God.

13. Was dissatisfied at not rising so early as I might: these instances of self-indulgence have a very bad effect on my temper. Engaged on reflecting on the same subject as yesterday. Drank tea in the evening at--and met about fifteen or sixteen there. I delivered the subject I had been thinking on; but with little animation. My mind enjoyed, during the rest of the evening, a sweet serenity and peacefulness. It did not amount to spiritual joy: yet when did I ever experience such happiness in the days of my vanity?

15. Heavy and distressed this morning; but I found in some measure, the truth of the promise, "cast thy burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain thee." Walked half an hour by the river-side after dinner, endeavouring to compose my mind for extempore preaching, and this I accordingly did at St. Giles's, on Matt. v. 3-5, though by no means to my satisfaction; nor ever yet in the pulpit, or in public addresses, have I experienced any sweetness of spirit. Called on one of the old women in the alms-houses, a truly contrite soul. Drank tea at--; was somewhat comforted in the evening by Mr. Simeon's sermon on "Sing, O ye heavens, for the Lord hath redeemed Jacob; "Christ's atonement was my only ground of hope and peace. How this disastrous affair has deranged all my systems of reading, early rising, &c.

16. Went to-- to breakfast, labouring to maintain heavenly-mindedness and humility, but for want of more reading, retirement, and private devotion, I have little power over my own tempers. Read Edwards on the Affections, and found some parts very convincing to show me my low stature in Christ. In the morning I had a most painful time of prayer, the expressions of egotism were so hateful that I could rather have died than use them; this was not, I conceive, humiliation, for I felt no love towards God or man, and could make no petition; but now after reading Edwards, I was able to pray with seriousness and strength, but I was unhappily interrupted. Called at the alms-houses in the afternoon, one old woman of eighty-four seemed to understand the word, which was new to her. Another was "all for grace," she said; she could not bear the law and morality in preaching, manifesting a most bitter, contemptuous, and proud spirit in all her language. I asked her if she did not apprehend herself in danger of pride. 'No,' she said, 'not particularly:' But did not she believe that the heart was naturally very proud 'O yes,' and many other things she mentioned in the same strain, allowing the general topics of humiliation, but admitting none of them into her own heart. She related with abhorrence that she had heard a friend of Mr. Simeon's preach a sermon in which the name of Jesus Christ was not so much as once mentioned. Might I not do the same, I replied, if I were to preach on this text, "Be not high-minded but fear." I left her with those words, "If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." Of what an unconquerable nature is spiritual pride. Went to Mr. Owen's to supper; he sometimes amused and sometimes edified me by his conversation, but--lay as a dead weight on my mind: yet I was relieved at intervals by saying, "I will do thy will O my God." Sat up till two in the morning losing my time by uncontrolable wanderings of thought in self-examination.

17. Was unwell with cold and headache, endeavoured to consider Matt. vi. for exposition. Drank tea at--, and expounded Matt. v. 3--5. as the company by their conversation seemed particularly to need it.

18.--breakfasted and staid great part of the morning. Had some freedom and comfort in prayer in the middle of the day. Walked in the cloisters of Trinity, and amid much carefulness and despondency, had many reviving views of Christ. With some friends I could say nothing. O the exceeding emptiness of my mind for want of more reading of the word of God in private. Dined at Professor Parish's with Owen, but left them at five to go to S--'s. Here they expected, I suppose, that I should begin a conversation with them, but I was utterly unable, for through want of preparation on a subject of exhortation, I was uneasy. However I lifted up my heart to the Lord, and he helped me to explain and enforce the beginning of the vith chap, of Matt. Perhaps the people are edified through the divine blessing; but my preachings and exhortations fall infinitely short of what I should call good.

19. Enjoyed most delightful peace and joy this morning in communion with God. Read some of Genesis. * * * * How mortally do I hate the thought. Yet certainly will I do the will of God, if I be cut piece-meal. I bear in mind Abraham. God's promises seemed impossible to be fulfilled. Yet he obeyed, and so will I, if it be God's will, though it clogs my way. To be made fit for the work of a missionary I resigned the comforts of a married life when they were dear to me, and that was a severe struggle; now again will I put forth the hand of faith, though the struggle will be far more severe. How unaccountable the providence of God appears! Yet he is wise, and righteous, and good, and so, "submissive to thy will I bow." "Teach me to do thy will, for thou art my God."

20. Unbelief and unhappiness this morning were removed by my being able to humble myself, and remember the resolutions of last night. How deficient in poverty and heavenly-mindedness am I daily with my pupil, yet these little events of life are proper trials of Christian temper. In prayer I drew near the Lord, and rejoiced to repeat before him my determination to do his will. Walked with--, and tried to persuade him to accept that post in Calcutta which he has been pressed to fill, but to my surprise he cannot consent to leave his native country. Now that my mind was easy one would have thought that the prospect of the ministrations in the evening would have been delightful. But no such thing. Now that I had got rid of one difficulty, my perverted heart sought out another.' At dinner time, gloom began to gather. I was not prepared for the evening; then was I constrained to wonder at the patience of God, then did I see it good to be afflicted, for the moment the rod was removed I was going astray. O Lord, guide me by thy own council. It is not in man to direct his steps. Do thou act towards thy blind creature according to thine own wisdom and love, the natural bent of my heart is to depart from thee--keep me through thine own power through faith unto salvation. I see the reason why Jesus would not remove the thorn out of St. Paul's flesh. Now, O my soul, that thou hast found rest for awhile, quicken thou thy face towards heaven. Now that thine enemies cease to. molest thee, lose no time in getting forward. O! that I might feel resolved to wrestle with God! In the, evening prayer I designed to have dwelt entirely on love, that I might receive it from God, but found so much reason to pray for humility that I could think of nothing else.

21. Pride filled my heart with evil surmises this morning when I rose. There is no living without humility. Found that peculiar kind of self-abhorrence in prayer this morning, (as I have often felt when expressions of egotism were hateful,) which, unaccountable as it may seem, always accompanies a humiliation not evangelical. Or else humiliation is only of one kind, namely, legal, and that which is called evangelical it humiliation is the peaceful frame which succeeds humiliation, not necessarily, but through grace. Considered 2 Titus i. 10. in order to preach on it to-morrow.: Found myself sinking into an earthly and unhappy spirit and struggled against it, and rose above it. The livth of Isaiah, and iiird and ivth of 1 John afforded me much refreshment. Walked with--, not in that exercise of heavenly-mindedness and love which I expected, but through worldly conversation, I returned home dissatisfied. After dinner the sense of my ingratitude to God and indifference to the poor people at Lulworth filled me with shame as having existed habitually in me. Prayer, however, removed my unwillingness to duty, and slothfulness, and I went forth disposed to visit the people in Wall's lane. The awfulness of the ministry pressed on my mind deeply. O that I might remember what it , f is to watch for souls as those that must give account.

22. Found the presence of God in prayer at night.

23. Interrupted by preparation for my journey. I went on the Telegraph to London, with my thoughts . M taken up at first with happy views of God, but afterwards they wandered dissatisfied, upon the things around me.

24. Rose early, and with great difficulty attained a I right spirit by prayer. Learnt some of Psalms xci. And cxix. by heart. Walked about the streets, calling at the booksellers', &c. till two o'clock. Thought little of God during my walk through this great city; when I did, however, it was with much affection. Returned, and if read St. James, and Edwards on Redemption. Distracted by the bustle of this place, and the dissipation of my thoughts through want of reading and meditation; found it hard to be collected in private, or to force myself into a clear and lively view of eternal things.

25. Called on Dr. Wollaston, and at the British Museum, and attended the Gresham Lecture on Music by Dr. B--. Returned, and unable to remain longer in such a dissipated, unholy state, I. sought God earnestly in prayer, and found that degree of realizing faith, which is necessary for my peace. After dinner I called on-------, and I stated the circumstances of my family to him, and he seemed to think that I ought to wait longer for the directions of Providence. A veil was thus cast over my future proceedings, and I went away bowed down in spirit. In company I forgot that sweet poverty of spirit which it would become me more to feel. Poor mean thing that I am; but I am contented to remain contemptible among men, so that my heart be thereby made in any degree more fit for the residence of God. I walked back to Mr. Bates', cheerfully resigning the conduct of this business to God.

26. Staid at home till near one; read some Greek Testament with Mr. Bates, and Jonathan Edwards on Redemption. I then walked to the India House to Mr. Grant, who desired I would come down to Clapham. So I went with Mr. Grant, and upon the road he gave me much information on the state of India. He said that the language spoken by the natives who lived in the English settlements, was the Hindostanee, which was a mixture of several languages, Arabic, Persic, Shanscrit, a sort of lingua franca, but that the Bengalee vernacular tongue of the bulk of the inhabitants, and must be acquired by missionaries amongst the Hindoos; that it would be absolutely necessary to keep three servants, for three can do no more than the work of one English; that no European constitution can endure being exposed to mid-day heat; that Mr. Swartz, who was settled at Tanjore, did do it for a time, walking among the natives. Mr. G. had never seen Mr. Swartz, but corresponded with him. He was the son of a Saxon gentleman (the Saxon gentlemen never enter the ministry of the church) and had early devoted himself to the work of a missionary amongst the Indians. Besides the knowledge of the Malabar tongue, in which he was profoundly skilled and eloquent, he was a good classic, and learnt the English, Portuguese, and Dutch. He was a man of dignified and polished manners, and cheerful. We arrived at Mr. Wilberforce's to dinner; in the evening we conversed about my business; they wished me to fill the church in Calcutta very much; but advised me to wait some time and to cherish the same views. To Mr. Wilberforce I went into a detail of my views, and the reasons that had operated on my mind. The conversation of Mr. Wilberforce and Mr. Grant during the whole of the day before the rest of the company, which consisted of Mr. Johnson of New South Wales, a French Abbé, Mrs. Unwin, Mrs. H. and other ladies, was edifying; agreeable to what I should think right for two godly senators, planning some means of bringing before Parliament propositions for bettering the moral state of the colony of Botany Bay. I had some conversation with the French Abbé about the authority of the church, but for want of understanding more French I could not well engage in it. At evening worship, Mr. W. expounded sacred scripture with serious plainness, and prayed in the midst of his large household. In my room, after difficulty at first, I realized eternal things, and retired to rest in the desire of walking more closely with God.

27. Evil tempers, and dark perverted views of divine things, made me unwilling to pray this morning, as they often do, yet by prayer the Lord restored my soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his name' sake. I had many strong heart-searching desires after grace and holiness, but these are like "the early dew," and it is for want of a contrite spirit that my purposes of keeping in view one thing are so unsteady. The deep-rooted pride of my heart makes God behold it afar off, and throws a veil over all the bright and joyous things in religion. Walked in the shrubbery, and read some of Miss Hamilton on Education, till breakfast. After breakfast read a French account of the death of Louis XVI. which the Abbé put into my hands, and after some conversation with Mr. W. left them at one, and took a place in the coach for London; had an opportunity of speaking to the landlady on the wickedness of not going to church; and on the coach-box with the driver, I was talking to him all the way; some of it he received very well, other parts not. Mr. S. called on me this morning after my return, and with him afterwards I had a really religious conversation. In prayer before dinner, after much pain, I drew near to God, and received strength and seriousness. After being much in company, I declined as usual in spirit, but the music and the sight of a rural scene of solitude had the effect of fixing my thoughts on heaven.

28. My whole morning prayer was taken up as much of late in labouring after a humble and contrite spirit. Drank tea at Mr. Newton's; the old man was very civil to me, and striking in his remarks in general; but few being disposed to speak, and he deaf, the conversation on the origin of sacrifices, a subject I proposed according to his desire, was not much illustrated. On my return I found myself unhappy in mind, and unhappy in heart, but by prayer and reading some scripture, I recovered. This text which I met, gave me many glad and instructive thoughts. "If any man serve me let him follow me, and where I am there shall my servant be." Read in the evening to Mrs.--, 'Burke on the Sublime,' and had in the course of it, an instructive conversation on contrition of heart; she wished to feel it more, and I know it is the one thing needful for my peace.

29. (Sunday) Read Isaiah liv. after breakfast, with some consideration and profit. ... On coming home, I retired to my room, and had a most affecting reading of Isaiah liii. The arm of the Lord seemed to be revealed to me. What manner of love was it that the Lord should be pleased to bruise him. I found it in my heart to grieve at the sufferings of Christ, and the sins that occasioned them, and not to seek for any of this world's enjoyments, when Christ was such a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I hoped that my soul would have been tender and humble the remaining part of the day. After evening church, drank tea with Mr. S. and had a very profitable religious conversation; he seemed to desire we should part with prayer, but as v my mind was rather distracted, I went away without it, but my heart smote me afterwards, accusing me of sloth.

In prayer at night had many sweet thoughts of God's pardoning love, and protecting power, and interceded with unusual earnestness for my dear sister.

31. Began the day in hopes of being able to keep:' steadily in view the eternal world, and to walk humbly with God. Alas! I have little fear of God before my eyes, and seem to belittle aware of the peremptory commandment of God. I go on from day to day indulging indeed no sin in my heart, yet feebly pressing towards the mark; yet I seem to imagine that a slight review of the defects of each day is sufficient, * * * * * * May the Lord give me repentance I unto life, open my eyes and give me a holy fear, lest after having preached to others I myself should become a castaway. Read Isaiah--at one we went to hear the charge delivered to the missionaries at the New London Tavern in Cheapside. There was nothing remarkable in it, but the conclusion was affecting. I shook hands with the two missionaries, Melchior Rayner, and Peter Hartwig, and almost wished to go with them but certainly to go to India.

Returned and read Isaiah, and retired in hopes of holding communion with God, and receiving strength for the remaining part of the day. But whilst I was beginning to intercede for some of my dearest friends (in which I am very irregular) and especially for the two missionaries I was called down by some friends. The afternoon passed in much Christian conversation, and in the evening went to London Stone Church, where--preached on "the blood of sprinkling, which speaketh better things than that of Abel." What do I know, as he asked, of the cleansing efficacy of the blood of Christ? The continually open fountain of that precious blood is an encouragement to me to come for pardon after repeated falls, but do I not walk less carefully under the covenant of grace than I should do under the covenant of works?

Feb. 1. Read Isaiah, and endeavoured to think about a sermon for Sunday. Walked with M. to the British Museum, and though I saw there much for which I could at times glorify God,--as the varieties of birds, fishes, reptiles, minerals, &c. and the works of his intelligent creatures,--I was plagued with the workings of an evil, proud, selfish, dissipated, discontented heart.

2. Left London and came to Cambridge. At first on the road my thoughts ascended freely to God, and my remarks were lively, and I began to think with pleasure on my Sunday's sermon, but I soon grew tired.

3. Went to bed with an earnest and hopeful desire of living in poverty of spirit and a sense of my own unworthiness.

4. The temper I wished to retain was a source of great tranquillity to me this morning. I was rather oppressed with care, yet I checked the suggestions of sloth by considering the example of Christ and his ministers in the present day, and was rather humbled as I ought to be, that I did not feel a burning zeal for the salvation of the poor Lolworth people, which would make it sweet to preach the Gospel. Employed all the rest of the evening in thinking of my sermon. In prayer at night, at whatever part of myself I looked, an immense change seemed to be necessary. Except for more zeal I could only pray again and again, "Create in me anew heart, and renew a right spirit within me."

5. (Sunday.) In preaching at Lolworth was more serious than usual, and felt an earnest desire to persuade them to commit their souls to Christ. After church called at two of the cottages. In one the man, the father of a large family, and in the other the mother, of whom I expected better things, told me in the course of conversation that they used the belief as their favourite prayer at night. I was perfectly shocked, not only at their accounting this prayer, but also that, after having heard the gospel so long, they should not at least know better. During my ride home I was much depressed at reflecting on their extreme ignorance, yet through the miserable perverseness of my heart, instead of pitying them I felt the strongest dislike to going to Lolworth, or to any such kind of work. What a spirit for a missionary! But I looked up steadily to Christ, and though the prospect of such uncomfortable ministerial labours damped my spirits, yet I encouraged myself with the examples of Christ and his wise and holy servants, now with him in glory, who once passed their lives in such services. I considered too that such difficulties were beforehand to be expected, and that unless I suffered with him I should not reign with him. To these arguments I was obliged to have recourse, for the love of God and of souls was not uppermost in my thoughts.

6. All my prayers should be full of important petitions, and should be attended with so much diligence as to make me remember the subjects of them, and wait for answers. Yet I scarcely remember about what I prayed this morning. At dinner to-day I fell again into that self-indulgence which I determine to avoid. Want of self-denial in the little things, which concern the body &c. unspeakably enervates the soul, and wounds the conscience. I sat down in the evening to read the Scriptures for my own comfort, and was able to give many hours to it uninterruptedly. I collected all the passages from the four gospels that had any reference to self-denial. It is a subject I need to preach about to myself, and mean to do to others. How unspeakably awful is the latter part of Mark ix. Oh! have I consid4ered what it is to be in hell for ever, and that my sin really deserves hell. O Holy Spirit decide my mind when it is doubtful. Let me perceive how rich the mercy is for me to be permitted to flee from the wrath to come. Let me see how slight are the trials I am called to endure for the gospel's sake. And let the ministerial work to which I often have carnal objections, be my dear delight.

7. Oppressed with care this morning for want of time to prepare for the evening. Walked with Mr. S. who advised me not to preach extempore yet, so I shall desist. * * My soul trembles often, lest my repentance should not be deep enough, or lest my sins should be unpardonable. But the blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin, and if there is any state of mind I desire, it is not joy, but grief; for then I feel my footing surer--am better disposed to diligence, sympathy, and heavenly-mindedness.

8. Did not endeavour to maintain that childlike, humble, serious frame, which is the desire of my reflecting hours. Prepared for the evening in a more cheerful spirit than heretofore. But during my walk, anxiety on that account constantly damped those sweet and heavenly thoughts which, at intervals, arose in my mind. Made the reflection at dinner, which I have often had occasion to make when I have been most oppressed, that even this condition is infinitely preferable to that of those whose minds are discontented in the pursuit of dangerous trifles, whereas my trials, which either arise from ministerial or Christian duties, are for my present and eternal welfare. Let not the Lord be provoked at my continual obstinacy, for I am indeed as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke, but may He, by his own gracious influences, subdue my stubborn will. Drank tea at -----'s. There were so many people crowded in a very small room, that my faculties were quite clouded. I found great difficulty in explaining the first chapter of Revelation, and was very unprofitable, and, what was worse, my heart went not forth; as it seldom does. When I came to the part, "to him that loved us," &c. where, if anywhere, my tongue should have been loosed, I could say nothing, and it was for want of a contrite spirit. When I knelt down to pray, it seemed as if I had not a word to say, yet I found myself soon at ease, and particularly disposed to dwell on the prospect of the world to come.

9. Read some Psalms before church, but found I had been getting into shortness in prayer. How can I "expect the comforting and sanctifying presence of God, 'without "watching unto prayer with all perseverance?" At church preached on "Enoch walked with God." O how much is contained in that text! What holy breathings of soul, what familiarity with God! What acquaintance with his ways. It was to-day my constant desire, though not my attainment, to be truly humbled; without this temper I cannot pray aright. It is a hard? proud heart, that keeps me from rejoicing in God.

10. Rose earlier than for some time. Considered the latter part of Ezekiel xvi. for an hour or two. In prayer about this time, I desired the true spirit of contrition, but for want of variety in expression for prayers for this grace, my petitions slip through my own mind unheeded, the words not exciting corresponding ideas. The subject I was considering this morning, namely, why we should sorrow for sin when it is forgiven, was very comforting. I expect more profit yet from the further prosecution of it.

11. When I walked, enjoyed much delight in the happiness of a soul bought with blood. I had a more clear view of the glory of the dispensation of redemption than ever, and felt also assured of future glory. How trifling then did all expected difficulties appear, though these happy moments soon passed away, yet blessed be the Lord for them. Such Elim refreshments encourage me to urge my dreary way with speed through the wilderness.

12. Had some desires in prayer for the good of my Lolworth people. On my ride thither, I was in general able to cleave to God, though sorrowful, and to be unconcerned about the comforts or distresses of the body. Preached on the parable of the Publican and Pharisee, a written sermon, clear and generally, I believe, understood. Called at three of the houses, two of the masters of them were serious men, in whom I was much comforted. Before the sermon I had prayed as in a void and barren place, to which God would not vouchsafe his presence, but now I rode away in a more cheerful mood.

13. I took my walk in great distress about my want of preparation for the evening, yet I put my trust in God, and seemed to feel a spark of grace amidst all these billows of corruption and trouble. Indeed I seem used to these trials, and the remembrance of past assistance helps me onward. The part I took was Ezek. xvi. 6. but I got on with difficulty; in prayer rather better. When shall I minister with a heavenly sweetness in my own heart? when shall I have high and exalted views of this glorious ministration of the Spirit? In prayer at night, I had a solemn sense of the presence of God, and was conscious that he heard me.

14. Having no urgent business to seize my mind this day, I enjoyed for a while the liberty of being disengaged, but it had the effect of leading my heart astray. Sat down to read at last, with a more serious sobriety of mind. O what happiness is there in a heart weaned from the world, and undisturbed by its perplexing vanities. But I am very far from a steady enjoyment of these things. More frequently I only feel a momentary desire and wish to enjoy such a frame. Read the beginning of the Acts, with some profit. In prayer at the society and with-------afterwards, found to my sorrow that I am acquiring an unthinking fluency. O let me learn to watch my spirit, and seek to pray in secret, earnestly, in a heart-searching manner!

15. Read this morning Kichener's account of his success in Africa. I felt a happy delight arising from the account. Omitted one of the parties (which I had in a manner promised to attend) thinking it right to appropriate more time to myself. I had some little doubt whether I was doing right, but begged of God that I might improve the time I had taken for myself.

Nevertheless, I accepted without thinking, an invitation from Mr. Simeon to drink tea, where I met L. with his fulness of anecdote engrossed the whole conversation, so that I went away at eight o'clock with the dissatisfied conviction of having lost two hours. Went home eager to read, and began to think upon Mark viii. 36. but spent several hours in vain attempts to define the extent of self-denial, and to define it at all. Alas! the days that I lose. I am an unprofitable servant, Lord, teach me to redeem my time. .

16. Breakfasted with M. and B. but, though I had solemnly engaged in prayer with a sense of the importance of a deep seriousness, and earnest improvement of
the talents of conversation, I was neither profitable nor sober-minded. Thought about Mark viii. 36. with very little better success during the whole morning. Prayed over the promises in Isaiah xli. 42, 43.

17. A despicable indulgence in lying in bed this morning gave me such a view of the dangerous softness of my character, that I resolved on my knees, to live a life of far more self-denial than I had ever yet done, and to begin with little things. Accordingly, I ate my breakfast standing at a distance from the fire, and stood reading at the window during the morning, though the thermometer stood at the freezing point. I was so cold that I did not get on much in my work of sermon; but the effect on the flow of my thoughts was very surprising, the tone and vigour of my mind rose rapidly. No expected difficulty daunted me, but seemed to stimulate me to encounter it. I rejoiced that God had made this life a time of trial. To climb the steep ascent, to run, to fight, to wrestle, was the strong desire of my heart. I was sometimes in doubt whether this were not merely the vain and proud spirit of heathen sages; but passages enough of scripture occurred to remind me that the spirit of the gospel was self-denying. As I walked afterwards, this temper still remained. All those duties from which I usually shrunk, seemed but recreations, and the sight of the vaulted roof of azure, bid me aspire to reach it by treading in the footsteps of Christ. At five, went to Mr. P.'s, and without clearness spoke to them on "Thy will be done." Went away feeling the iniquity of my holy things, for though fluent in prayer, I found myself unimpressed with the ordinance at which I had been ministering. Passed the rest of the evening in writing on Ezek. xxxvii. 11-13.

18. Employed most of the day in writing on the same subject as yesterday. In prayer at noon interceded seriously for the people at Lolworth. I prayed particularly that I might take delight in being with them, and wait in faith for the time when this wilderness should begin to blossom. In my walk had too much lightness of spirit. Conversed with an old man on the road, who seemed to have a serious concern, but was building on his own foundation. I preached to him Jesus Christ. He seemed to receive the doctrines without emotions of any kind, but I hope these truths will be found to suit him the next time he is in fear.

I indulged the pleasing hope, that I had been sent to him, as Philip to the Eunuch.

This is my birth-day. Twenty-three years have elapsed since I saw the light, only four of which have been professedly given to God. Much has been left undone, much, very much remains to be done in altering my views as a Christian and a minister. Yet my past experience of the long-suffering of God, leaves me in no doubt of being carried on all the way. My desires at first were half true and half false; but now I feel that my heart is whole for heaven, and the world in the main behind my back. Yet its passing vanities, and the flesh kept under too little, make me gain little ground. Praised be the Lord for his mercy, for his patience, for it is that which the last year has taught me to understand. The number of my days is exactly fixed in his purpose. O may I glorify thee on the earth, and finish the work thou givest me to do through Jesus Christ!

19. (Sunday.) Many happy and heavenly thoughts were kept out of my mind, by reading at church instead of praying there. Preached at Lolworth, on Ezek. xxxvii.11-13, but not intelligibly, and without animation. The two families on whom I called afterwards, seemed incapable of comprehending or attending to any saving truths. Was greatly dejected when riding home, on account of their ignorance and my want of zeal. Alas! how can I expect they should feel life from my preach ing, if I have it not myself. Yet I feel disposed to;4 labour in prayer for improvement.

20. Morning passed with pupils, and preparing for the evening. I found after dinner, the presence of my God in prayer; how great is his mercy, that without I any particular meditation or reading, he permitted me to speak freely, and to look off for a time from those concerns, even of a religious kind, which, through my weakness, either of knowledge or faith, often distress and burden me. After giving the afternoon to the subject, I went very cheerfully to Mr. Phillips's, and spoke on the subject of temptation from the words, "God did tempt Abraham." Stammered out some very unintelligible things, which did not seem at all to engage their attention. Went away humbled and grieved at the iniquity of my holy things. If ever my ministrations are of use, it is the Lord who makes them so.

21. How many dark and uncertain days in the years of my pilgrimage. Finding it impossible to prepare for the evening, I went to request S-- to go in my stead, but he was out of town. This was some vexation to me, yet I endeavoured to make it an occasion of faith, for I thought that if I were going about the work of God, he would give me grace to perform it. W-- called on me to walk, but as my heart was heavy, I could not introduce with success any religious topic, but rather I fear, betrayed a satirical temper, which I detest, conceiving it to be the most opposite to a Christian temper of any. * * * O let me live in a holy superiority to those earthly things which would tempt me to sin by producing anger. After a busy day sat up very late to gain a few moments to read. Read Brown's remarks on the latter part of Genesis, with some comfort and profit. Never a day comes without annoyances. Every day my will is thwarted. Let these trials but issue in my sanctification, and I will welcome them all. I trust and hope that from them I have learned in a great degree the evil of sin, a humbled and tender spirit, and a subjugation of the will to God. Yet amid these trials of my faith and patience, my walk is not close with God, as far as it regards the manifestations of his presence. I seem to pray to a God not angry, but indifferent about my prayers. This I know to be occasioned by my not reading Scripture enough for myself; for if I were in company with another Being, I should not be much the better for his presence, however much I might speak to him, unless I were to hear his voice.

22. Rose full of dark and fearful thoughts, but soon became easier by recollection and prayer.

23. Stayed up so late last night, that I could rise but just in time to receive C-- to breakfast; but it was neither a time of profitable conversation, nor an exercise to me of a heavenly temper. After he was gone, I sat down to read a newspaper, forgetful of having had no prayer; and though I recollected this in the middle of it, I continued reading, thinking with myself, that I might as well finish, and so have done with it. In prayer afterwards I hardly knew in what manner to approach God, and how to address him. I could not dare to confess the sinfulness of that which, if I confessed, it, would be a profession of my having deliberately disobeyed the dictates of my conscience, the moment before; which I was not convinced that I had.

24. Rose at half-past five with great difficulty, and after a long deliberation, so little have I been in the habit lately of not listening to the body. In prayer, new and original subjects of petition seemed to open before me.

25. The leisure hours of the morning were employed in writing a sermon. Omitted walking, through a self-indulgent dislike of a cold wind which blew, but loitered about instead, and in consequence was dull and unfit for writing during the rest of the day.

I was quite overcome with sleep in the evening, till on going to prayer I recovered myself; but my prayers, though generally four times a day at least, are very poor and short. I do not engage in the duty unwillingly, but I am satisfied with a narrow and short transition, from things temporal to things eternal.

26. (Sunday.) Strove to maintain such a sense of the blessedness of the Sabbath, of the composure of mind which becomes me, of the excellency of preaching the gospel, of the earnest desire it behoves me to feel for the salvation of souls, as I knew I ought to feel, and then did feel. On my ride to Lolworth, was more right in spirit than I have been for some time past. The inclemency of the weather affected me less; I found the presence of God in my heart, with which I felt that the most dark and dreary place would be pleasant. I offered up my prayers also for the poor people to whom I was going; but alas! my desires for their salvation were so small, that I ought to be ashamed to mention them, and grieved before God. Preached on the parable of the lost sheep; a blessed subject, yet my manner of writing and speaking made it, I am afraid, of little use; but I prayed that God would not make my weakness a reason of its not profiting them. I thought it right to accept an invitation to drink tea with Mr.-- at Lolworth, in hope of being able to conciliate him.

Mr. Simeon's sermon this evening, on Ezek. xxxvi. 32, was very humiliating to me. The hymn before the sermon, in behalf of ministers, seemed to draw down a blessing at the time upon my soul.

27. Very narrow in my petitions this morning, chiefly on one point, that my business might not confuse my thoughts, and lead me away from God, which I think was answered. During my walk I felt an aching void. My heart was not forcing itself from God's service, or to sin, but it was unable to find any subject of desire, or fear, or occasion of prayer, except that light and earnestness might be given me. This extreme emptiness must be owing, I think, to not reading more of his word in private devotion, which I have determined to do, for it is a duty superior to the duties of the ministry, which indeed I cannot perform well without it. Yet the pressure of business tempts me to shorten the time which ought to be devoted to God. After dinner, found a few moments of prayer of blessed effect in recalling my mind. Sat till four with two old women at the alms-house, and then went to Parish's lecture; from that time till nine employed about a sermon to little purpose. Got on afterwards with my sermon a few pages, for which I felt thankful.

29. Employed about my sermon all leisure hours. I was more serious than for some time, and during my walk, felt and lamented the evil of faithless prayers, and irreverent ejaculations.

March 1. During my walk I had not humiliation enough to be happy, but yet I was so impressed with the necessity of self-denial, that no further difficulty terrified me. Was much affected with an apostrophe at the end of Biddulph's account of D--'s death.

2. At night about my sermon, read the latter end of Revelations, and so very lively was the impression on my mind, that I was often in tears. So awful, so awakening is this book to me. Prayed with more fervour than I have done of late, and went to bed full of the sense of the importance of eternal things, and of living every day as my last.

6. In the morning I sought to rouse myself to greater earnestness in prayer, and enjoyed some freedom in it. It was my earnest desire to walk in the fear of God's holy name, and to have a more awful alarm about my state, and to dread his displeasure. Read and prayed on John xiv, and was peaceful in the course of my walk out. Looked at an iron foundry in Wall's Lane: the fierce fire raised many solemn ideas of God's power, and of hell.

7. Vexed at my loss of time. At church this morning I began to read the service with the most daring indifference, as if it were a loss of time, not regarding the presence of that great God before whom I ministered, but afterwards he had mercy on me, and taught me to tremble; my vexatious murmuring at loss of time continued afterwards, but during my walk I recovered tranquillity, and reflected that I could never be more profitably employed than in doing his will, and that if that called me out of doors, it was my duty to enjoy his presence wherever I went. Composed some poetry during my walk, which often has a tendency to divert my thoughts from the base distractions of this life, and to purify and elevate it to higher subjects. Visited--and then the work-house, and one of the women in the alms-house.

On my return to my rooms, read Hopkins with great delight, and felt disposed to find all my happiness in prayer, reading God's word, and in the work of the ministry. O may these motions of the good Spirit of God never be taken away, through the wickedness of my own heart; but what wonders of long-suffering and of grace do I experience from God every day! "Where sin hath abounded, grace doth much more abound." May it reign through righteousness unto eternal life.

8. During my walk, my mind was too much engaged in the composition of poetry, which I found to leave me far short of that sweetness I seemed in a frame to enjoy. Yet on the spot where I have often found the presence of God, the spirit of prayer returned; but I never continue long enough in the exercise of it to profit much. I feel the need of setting apart the first day I can for the restoration of my soul by solemn prayer, for my views of eternity are becoming very dim and transient; prayed with fervour and sincerity, I hope, for myself, lest envy should arise in my wretched heart, * * * I could not have believed but that I was next to perfectly indifferent about worldly honour, but I was now convinced of the contrary. Alas! how much more ready and disposed am I to prefer in myself intellectual attainments to moral, and more willing to allow my own inferiority in this latter rather than in the former. In my endeavours to rise beyond the mean vanities of human glory, my soul enjoyed many precious thoughts of eternity, and thus I perceive how every disquiet operates for the good of God's children, by stirring them up to pray. Oh how rich the mercy, to have one to whom to apply for deliverance from these malignant passions! and how needful is purification from the filthiness of the spirit! I have seldom considered myself as even liable to envy. I feel considerable pain at being surpassed in learning or abilities by those of the same age, but little or none at my inferiority in moral acquirements. That this is the fact I cannot doubt, if I know my own mind. How is it to be accounted for? The manner most favourable to myself, in which I should account for it, is that any body may advance as far as he will in moral endowments, but not so in intellectual, and the value of the object is enhanced by the difficulty of attaining it.

9. I read Smith on the 'Sacred Office,' and acquired many awakening and quickening impressions from that work. I trust that it will be blest by God to my good, for I felt many holy desires of being truly a man of prayer and heavenly-mindedness. Henceforth may I be so, but at present I am a poor creature. Blind, yet believing, I see; almost dead, yet believing, I live.

10. Rose in a temper of calmness, but passed my leisure hours unprofitably, for want of exerting myself more. The conviction of my unprofitableness stirred me up to pray with some earnestness over part of 1 Timothy, but so dwelt upon my mind during my whole walk, that I could not raise my heart to God with any delight.

On my favourite spot, the scene of many sacred thoughts, my Bethel, into which I hope never to enter without a holy awe, and never to leave without a blessing, I knelt down and prayed for relief to my soul. I think my prayer was answered, for I found myself more at peace.

13. My heart again this morning filled me with! evil thoughts and unwillingness to approach God, from whom I had received so lately such unexpected favours and mercies. Yet in prayer it assumed a different temper. During my walk I sought without much success to have a rejoicing of hope by trust in God, in spite of the thoughts that arose to depress my mind.

14. Why do I not always maintain a humble, serious, and loving spirit?

15. Rose early, and passed the day in the enjoyment of considerable peace. In the morning I got on in my sermon with ease, and found the subject of unbelief attended with a blessing to myself. The passages adduced to obviate unbelief, were so influential upon my mind, that I found myself drawn nearer to God, and able to walk with him in tranquillity. Oh, what an incitement to holiness is it, that in no one case is it right to depart from God.

Whether from negligence or necessary business, I had no reading of God's word all the day. This is an evil that must be remedied, though I hardly know how to effect it. Public ministrations take up my time and thoughts too much, though too little of my heart. I ought to make my own soul's increase of grace and love to God, my great and primary concern, and to leave my outward ministrations to Him, whom I may safely trust to for assistance, if I walk strictly in his ways. I often regret that I am not a private Christian, but when

I was, my soul was not fixed on spiritual things, even as it is now.

17. I had many careful thoughts and unbelieving fears in my walk, and found great difficulty in getting on in my sermon, and great interruption, and much fatigue and dislike to the service of Christ, but looked up to heaven for support, and repeated those words, "I know that for my name's sake thou hast laboured and hast not fainted."

18. (Sunday.) Employed about sermon till church time, during the service enjoyed much delight.

Mr. Simeon's sermon in the evening was very awful, and reached my conscience.

19. By rising late I was short in prayer, yet I can almost always reach beyond the world, partly indeed by the help of imagination. All the morning I was with------and went away in great sorrow; but in prayer I again and again professed to resign all my will to God, and in that spirit to wait for the manifestation of his. The rest of this afternoon I was continually tempted to misery and unbelief in departing from God, but by ejaculatory prayer I kept my ground.

Read some chapters in Exodus afterwards, and had my heart solemnly impressed with the mighty power of God. On the whole, though I have studied little, and done nothing for the good of others, I have found it an occasion of shewing me the love and power of God. These faint glimmerings of the knowledge of God, make me desire to know him more, and to long after that life where I shall know even as I am known.

20. My spirit groans at my unprofitableness. For want of study, and diligence in redeeming time, my mind is empty and unsatisfied. Stayed an hour with --, and employed the rest of the morning in writing and reading from 'Edwards on the Affections,' without gaining any knowledge. Have not yet got into its spirit. In my walk, my heart was not fixed upon God, nor upon any thing else. After dinner was with--till four, then I sat with a party at Mr. Simeon's till seven, then with my pupil till ten. Thus the day was passed, no Scripture read, seldom in prayer to God, no poor people visited, no knowledge gained in a day which should have been taken up in right and improving exercises, as I had no particular engagement. How angry I feel at myself, and I hardly know for what. I can hardly tell how to reform my mode of life, so as to gain time. But earnestly does my soul long to live a life of piety and prayer.

21. Resolved to set apart the chief part of this day for solemn prayer and humiliation. But through interruptions, I could not begin till half-after ten, when my soul so tasted the sweetness of religion and prayer, that as soon as I opened my mouth, my heart was full; and for half an hour I enjoyed great abstraction from the world, and nearness to God. But at eleven I read prayers at church, not with such devotion as I expected, but during an hour and a half, which I passed afterwards in reading Scripture and prayer, I found my heart hard and bitter, not only at being so little disposed to pray for my people at Lolworth, but at the necessity of my loving them, and of labouring and praying for them. Alas! I must have far, far more love to souls before I dare go abroad. During my walk, my mind cleared up.

22. Rose a little after five, but was not able to begin my sermon. G-- breakfasted with me, and stayed all the morning telling me about India. During my walk, my sermon began to open before me, and I returned home cheerful, and desiring to be always happy by trusting God. At night I read to my bed-maker, and prayed somewhat solemnly, and in private afterwards, with some fervour, in the conviction of my unprofitableness.

23. Coming away from the poor-house, I found people quarrelling in the street, to which I presently put a stop; but it is painful to reflect with what unconcern I daily witness the sin and misery of my fellow-creatures.

24. My prayer this morning, as every morning for some time, has been almost wholly for seriousness and sobriety of mind. Passed a long time with --. Thus my hours are lost, my mind is unimproved, and yet it is an imperious call of duty. May the Lord take care of me, and order all things for my good.

25. (Sunday.) Read prayers in chapel. At church was not steadily tranquil. Preached at Shelford on 2 Tim. i. 10. I enjoyed much delight in the service; I spoke with freedom and clearness, and trust it was not unprofitable to the hearers.

26. Read in chapel with some difficulty, on account of the exertions of yesterday. In private prayer, prayed that my past unprofitableness might not lead away my wretched heart from God, nor discourage me from holding on my way. Read 'Fletcher's Portrait' for an hour with great profit, and prayed after it in deeper sense of my own meanness, and my utter unworthiness of the work of the ministry * * * Tact in this business in conformity to the will of God, according to the best of my judgment; yet thus my time passes unimproved, but I must patiently submit to it; at night I drew near to God in prayer, and felt disposed thankfully to labour in all earnestness and simplicity, to call my poor fellow-creatures to Christ.

27. 28. Wrote during the morning on Job xxii. 21. During my walk I had many solemn thoughts on Mr. C--'s death. In the afternoon baptised five children, and found myself approaching to that levity from which I have been more free of late.

30. (Good Friday.) Read in chapel, and finished my sermon with my mind somewhat solemnly impressed with the subject of it. At church I strove to profit by the sermon, which I did, for I went away very desirous of imitating the faith of Abraham. But alas! when the trials of faith come, as they do every day, I am seldom aware, and seldom act worthily.

Before evening church, I had a few profitable moments in prayer, which had its effect during the whole evening service. I long for communion with the blessed God.

31. Breakfasted with S--, and retained the serious impressions of the morning prayer. After dinner, being at leisure, from having procured the promise of assistance, began to pray with great fervour, and found my eyes open soon upon the invisible world. I continued so in great freedom and earnestness rather more than half an hour, but oh, I could live for ever in prayer, if I could always in it speak to God! At the end felt a great fear of forgetting the presence of God, and of leaving him as soon as I should leave the posture of devotion. My mind was strongly impressed; with that wonderful sight of the invisible things which the believer is made to receive, and I was eager to read what Dr. Watts has written on the hidden life. I had never read it before, but I was exceedingly delighted: with it, as it cleared my mind, and raised my thoughts more to a steady belief of the spiritual life. Drank tea with Mr. Simeon, and was much struck and edified by his account of God's providence, in bringing him first to his church. Read Watts's sermon afterwards till supper, and went into hall with my mind fully engaged in the high subject on which I had been meditating.

Found--and--conversing about * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All this appeared to me to be a bubble and a dream. Perhaps they would have accounted me a visionary, could they have read my mind. It was with some pity, I hope, and grief, that I contemplated in silence, men of strong minds so childishly employed.

April 1. (Easter Sunday.) Was prevented by one thing and another, from being any considerable time in prayer, which I endeavoured to regard as a visit to the invisible world. In the morning service I was not abstracted from the world, except at a few passing intervals. In the sacrament I had to lament the want of a broken heart, and in my private prayers at the time, I seemed to be speaking in a crowd when I could think of nothing distinctly. Called at the house of a poor woman in Wall's Lane. Her husband, who would never suffer any one to come near her till a few days before, came into the house. I went out and warned 'the wicked man that he would surely die.' He confessed that he was cut to the heart when I talked to him of eternal torment, and consented to come in and join in prayer--, which he did.

2. In my walk I found myself, as far as I could judge, entirely disposed to obey the will of God in whatever manner he might order it, having particularly in my mind--------------.

4. In my walk I was somewhat in a rejoicing frame, at the remembrance of what God had done for me by Christ and his Spirit. I longed for that heaven where I should be perfectly pure and active. I sat and read the last chapter of Revelation.

5. Walked with--, but my mind was not disposed by communion with God for spiritual conversation, for he called before the time of my prayer. Was extremely edified by --'s sermon at Trinity Church, both in my private and public capacity. I was ashamed and grieved at writing, and having written such sermons, after hearing his truly religious gravity.

6. Walked with G--, but having had no prayer immediately before going out, I could not converse with ease and cordiality, though I wished it.

7. In my walk could not get near to God; want of reading Scripture is the reason of this strangeness. H--and S--sat with me till past seven; from dinner time our conversation was such that I did not think the time spent in vain. Went to Mrs. T--, who was apparently dying. It was of no use to read, they said, so I spoke to her, begging her to cast herself simply upon Jesus. She observed once while I was not speaking to her, that she should be miserable for ever unless God would have mercy upon her, but she hoped he would for the sake of Jesus Christ. This was the first time I had heard her mention the name of Christ. Then she said, she had no deep repentance. She wished to have more time, though but a day longer, that she might have a deeper repentance.

8. In my prayer this morning, as for some time past, I could easily find myself alone with God, but failed in topics of supplication for want of reading. Preached at Trinity church without much comfort. Detestable thoughts about the opinions of men so intruded. During service at night, and preaching at Trinity church, my mind enjoyed great solemnity. I find that preaching well and living well in humiliation and communion with God have no necessary connection. At night in reading Rev. i. and ii. I had many solemn and blessed thoughts. To the angel of the church at Lolworth write--What? To that of Ephesus he said, "I know thy labour;" would he say so tome? I feel convinced that I do not labour in secret prayer for them. "Thou hast left thy first love." Alas! I never did love as I ought. Henceforth it is my desire to know God, and labour indeed, and enter deeply into this rich treasure of his word, and to grow in every grace.

9. I addressed myself with earnest prayer and a strong desire, to know and learn the epistle to the Romans in the Greek, and read the two first chapters with attention and profit.

10. I enjoyed much comfort in prayer this morning. I find that it is my great business to strive to maintain a humble and serious mind, if I would enjoy peace and communion with God. Read in the Greek the epistle to Romans, with new and enlarging views. Walked to Shelford. Very often I could. see myself a lost sinner, a debtor to mercy alone. I was happy and joyful. Hoped and prayed on the road that I might in the day be aware of God's presence, and strive by all my conversation to glorify him. On my return home was not humbled enough to come near God. Supped in hall, where I had an opportunity of speaking the truth, which I did in a measure.

11. After a morning of continual interruptions went out with a painful sense of a day unprofitably spent. Yet in my walk, by seeing myself a debtor to mercy alone, I enjoyed much tranquillity and clearness of thought. At night I endeavoured to suppose myself on my death-bed, in order to see what views I should then have of my conduct in this business. What keeps me still in a sort of fear and suspense is, that the result of my deliberations coincides with my own will.

12.....dwelt heavily on my mind, but in prayer at noon I committed myself in trust to God and Christ with some peace and joy. In my way to Mr. Simeon's heard part of the service in King's Chapel. The sanctity of the place and the music, brought heaven and eternal things and the presence of God very near to me.

Read at church, and unexpectedly had much solemnity and happy views. Whenever I am attentive to this world, I see vanity and vexation of spirit written upon it. Alas! how much time lost. How much sin committed this day. Yet Oh, how I long to live a life of devotedness of God.

14. Distressed about my future plans, but by recollecting that whatever He ordered for me must be for His glory and for my final good, I recovered my quiet by resigning myself and all that concerned me into His hands; in prayer during my walk I did the same, and went away benefited, with a desire to live to God all the day. After dinner wrote sermon. In the evening, from having been more frequently in prayer to-day than usual, I drew nigh unto the Lord, and felt more fulness of heart in prayer for myself and others, though just before it I was distressed by many fearful and unbelieving thoughts. Read Thess. iv. and v. with exceeding profit, and learnt them by heart.

15. (Sunday.) Was prevented from so much reading and prayer as I wished to have, in order to maintain the impressions of last night. Read and preached at Trinity on John iv. 29. On the road to Stapleford, anxiety about the evening kept me a good deal from the sense of the presence of God. After the evening service I enjoyed the blessing of peace and joy. Thus the Lord is always better to me than my fears, and puts a new song into my mouth when I least expect it. In the family at night I joined with great freedom and delight in spiritual conversation, and strove to make it profitable to some young persons there. In prayer at night, the self-seeking departure from God and pride of my heart recurred to my recollection, and seemed to have filled up the day. The more attentively I consider my spirit at any one time, the more manifestly does my incessant proneness to sin appear to my conscience. I solemnly renounced the world, and the comforts, even the lawful comforts of it, before God this night, that I might be entirely his servant. This was accompanied with some degree of melancholy, as if I were about to be a loser by it, but I was made to perceive the pride and ignorance of supposing I had made any sacrifice. The remembrance of what I had done to deserve destruction, and the view of the superlative excellency and glory of being the servant of God, and having him for my only portion, soon made me thankful at having made a happy exchange.

18. The whole of the evening till a late hour, I was engaged in writing a few lines for the Seatonian Prize. I regard this exercise as a lawful pleasure, but I was employed with rather too great avidity, and the mind after it has been accustomed to fiction and pleasures of the imagination, returns unwillingly even to the most important realities.

19. H-- breakfasted with me, but I could not converse with freedom, indeed I had the utmost difficulty to keep the poem out of my head, both now and in the morning before prayer. Heard an impressive sermon from--on "I have fought a good fight," &c. O! I felt that I had never been fighting, never running. At moments indeed I have been stirred up to begin the struggle, but soon, before I was aware, I found myself self-indulgent, and my hands slack. In my walk found great pleasure in thinking on the subject of my poem, and it became such a snare that I was unwilling to turn from it to learn some of the Scriptures; but however I did, and found myself delivered, through mercy, from any strong bias to prefer any thing to the service of God.

21. Found myself in a serious humble spirit at rising, and determined to fast this day, thinking I should both be able to finish my sermon more easily and have besides time for solemn prayer. Finding myself in great distress about the affair of --, not knowing at all what the will of God was, I used the 27th and 25th Psalms in prayer with some relief.

22. (Sunday.) During the whole service in the evening, my mind enjoyed what resembled heavenly sweetness, but a great deal of it was carnal. Saw that early rising, self-denial, watchfulness, and prayer, are necessary to awaken in me more earnestness in religion.

24. Rose with very distressing thoughts, but was refreshed and strengthened in faith by prayer, so that instead of giving way to an improper temper with my pupils, I was able to be in a more serious and devout spirit. Read with attention Rom. v; and though I could not fully make out the difficult parts of it, the overflowings of grace exhibited in it were enlivening to my spirit. The blessed sense of it remained during my walk, though I had a great deal of unbelief.

25. My temper this day has been unwatchful. At church, however, this morning I guarded against that sinful delusion of reading the prayers carelessly, because there were but two or three people, and prayed I think earnestly. Drank tea with B--, with whom my conversation was as usual entirely spiritual, but I went away with reason to lament how much farther my tongue and head go in divine things than my heart.

26. Woke in great pain of body from a violent headache and great stupidity of mind. I scarcely knew what to do. I could think of no promise suitable, hut repeated Rom. viii. to myself without much affection. Happening to open 'Paley's Horse Paulinse,' where he describes the unwearied patience and invincible fortitude of St. Paul, I was revived in spirit. The whole train of apostles, and martyrs, and saints, struggling for immortality, suddenly passed in review before my mind, and inflamed my heart with an ardent desire to follow their faith and patience, and I prayed accordingly. Read some of 'Serle's Christian Remembrancer' on sickness and death, and sat about two hours with great pain of head, sometimes sleeping, but with great serenity of mind, for God had spoken comfort to my soul, not by any particular passage of Scripture, but by giving me the thought that I was alone with him. I then spoke to him as a friend, and as all my salvation. It is the want of a walk of faith, an assured hope, that brings on such disquiet at the prospect of death. Let it remind me to make my calling and election sure. O Eternity! Eternity!

27. Rose restored to health. Oh, how great are His mercies. Was hindered from morning prayer three hours, by pupils coming, during which time my spirit was rather hasty, worldly, and unchristian, for want of being set aright by prayer. Afterwards became calm and peaceful, though I had not much enlargement in prayer from want of time. Oh, what a reason is this to assign, when every moment of my short span of life and of the everlasting duration of my soul are His. Yet I am often tempted to shorten the time of devotion, by supposing duty calls me elsewhere.

Read in the evening a sermon by Bostwick, on "We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord," every word of which cut deep into my conscience. I bless God for sending me such a word of conviction, but I believe I know little of Christ. In the choice of subjects for sermons, I never hit upon any which shall be directly upon the work or grace of Christ. There are unsearchable riches of Christ, but I know little of them.

With the system of doctrine I am acquainted, and find Christ's work my only delight; but the want of novelty in these subjects has heretofore often failed of arresting my attention to sermons which contained them, and therefore makes me despair of gaining the attention of my hearers, by discourses which shall contain nothing but those topics. May Christ in his mercy teach me better things! and if it be his glory, and the salvation of souls I aim at, in wishing to fix the attention of men, he will instruct me accordingly; but if not, if I cannot say anything new, or in a new manner, yet woe is me if I preach not the gospel. I have also never laboured as I ought, no, not in any degree either in public or private. But now I commend myself to God, and the word of his grace, beseeching him to show his creature more of his wickedness and ignorance, and so to reveal Christ in his heart, that I may be determined upon good grounds to know nothing but Jesus Christ, and him crucified.

29. (Sunday.) At rising and in prayer, tried, not without success, to be alone with God, and to have my mind impressed with the solemn work of preaching Christ to sinners. Preached at Stapleford on Luke xv. 4-7--7, and succeeded by watchfulness and prayer in maintaining steadiness and humility. In the afternoon preached on that awful subject, Ps. ix. 17, and began with some impression of heart, but was frequently speaking as if I was not one of the sinners I was addressing. In my walk back, not being able to introduce any thing religious, insensibly passed the whole time in talking about music; for this my conscience suffered afterwards. In prayer I found some difficulty in obtaining right views. Prepared myself during a walk in the shrubbery for the evening, and was blessed with many ardent thoughts, after an entire devotion to God, and forgetfulness of the world.

30. B-- breakfasted with me, but as my mind was not solemnized by sufficient prayer beforehand, a natural spirit was prevalent. During my walk I was thinking chiefly on the text, "Not as the offence, so is the free gift." I was at this time in heaviness on account of the business which oppresses me. I went home and fled to the throne of grace, without which I should be swallowed up with anguish at the affliction into which it has brought me, from irritation of mind and loss of time. In great sorrow I read some of Isaiah. I can praise God for this exceeding affliction, and beg him to give it its proper effect, but my pain arises greatly from want of time for reading and prayer, as also from doubtfulness about the will of God. Oh may he curb and subdue that proud and angry spirit which often, and particularly to-day, has risen up in indignation.

May 1. From twelve to one C--sat with me, to my great vexation, as I had not a moment to lose. In my walk I was thinking on Isaiah xxxv. for the evening, and was revived by it, though not at peace, as when strong faith and repentance are vouchsafed to me. In the evening grew better by reading Psalm cxix, which generally brings me into a spiritual frame of mind.

2. Walked out this morning before breakfast, and the beauties of the opening spring constrained me to adoration and praise. But no earthly object or operation can produce true spirituality of heart. My present failing is in this, that I do not feel the power of motives. I have not the fear of God before my eyes in any degree as I ought, nor the fear of danger to my own soul. This night in prayer I was enabled to see my duty, and what is the holy, heavenly, lowly spirit I ought to maintain, but could not believe it was a matter of the last importance to strive after it. Yet I wish to walk closely with God. O let nothing turn away my thoughts from incessantly prosecuting this blessed work.

3. Leisure time employed about my sermon, to little purpose till I walked, when my thoughts seemed to flow freely. I received great comfort in being able to feel that the keeping my own heart was not only more necessary than writing sermons, but the best way to succeed in them.

4. The prospect of so much to be done before Sunday, would have overwhelmed my spirits at most times, but God seems to have strengthened my faith this day. I trusted in him, and was not confounded, and now will I bless him. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee." I took my paper and ink into the garden, looking up to God for assistance, and wrote freely for two hours, I find all the difference in writing out of doors, with quiet and pleasing objects before my eyes, and within, where I can do nothing without closing my eyes upon the things before me. If I could be always alone with God, entirely indifferent about the opinions of men, but anxious only to deliver my message from him, and waiting for the fruits of it, I should reach a state to which I aspire, but have not attained.

8. As soon as my eyes open in the morning upon this world, mere earthly thoughts fill my mind instantly. It is only after prayer that I can have my mind fastened upon spiritual things. Then my desires are so strong, frequently to guard against the entrance of earthly thoughts, that I can use those words with truth, Claudimini, oculi mei, claudimini. To maintain a spiritual frame of mind, is now the subject of all my petitions, but all my endeavours seem to have as little effect as a few slight touches to a man sleeping, who just half opens his eyes, and is then asleep again. Or it is like pushing an immense weight up a hill; if you relax your efforts, the weight stops, and more than stops. Alas! how far must the heart be departed from God by nature, that it requires such incessant labour to keep it with him, even when the reason approves, and the will embraces him. Read some of 'Flavel's Saint Indeed,' which seemed the very book that was suitable to my present views.

9. After breakfast, my spirits being a little refreshed, I drew near to God in prayer, and rejoiced that I was in his hands, and that he would order all things for my good. During my walk, I was led to think a good while on my deficiency in human learning, and on my having neglected those branches which would have been pleasing and honourable in the acquisition. Yet I said, though with somewhat of melancholy, "What things were gain to me those I counted loss for Christ." Though I become less esteemed by man, I cannot but think, [though it is not easy to do so,] that it must be more acceptable to God to labour for souls, though the mind remains uninformed; and consequently, that it must be more truly great and noble, than to be great and notable among men for learning. In the garden afterwards, I rejoiced exceedingly at the prospect of a death fast approaching, when my powers of understanding would be enlarged inconceivably. They all talked to me in praise of my sermon on Sunday night, but praise is exceedingly unpleasant to me, because I am slow to render back to God that glory which belongs to him alone. Sometimes it may be useful in encouraging me when I want encouragement, but that at present is not the case, and in truth, praise generally produces pride, and pride presently sets me far from God.

10. My spirit groans within me at the unprofitableness of my time, so much of which passes every day unsatisfactorily, generally through necessity, but sometimes through my own carelessness. Indeed if I were careful to live in the spirit of watchfulness and prayer at all times, I should be able to improve the odd half hours. From something I read in Flavel, I was convinced of the injury we do to ourselves, by coming to God without due meditation; but this, instead of inducing me to stir up my soul to a right frame, somehow made me less anxious. At length I had an hour to myself in my room, and I desired to make it turn to the very best account. I read Hopkins and the Greek Testament, and prepared myself in a degree to meet the Lord. But in it I was not properly engaged, from not seeing long time enough before me. My soul groans after perfect holiness, though my flesh is slow to follow the way to attain it.

11. B. breakfasted with me, but for want of sufficient morning prayer, I was not careful to improve the conversation. My time being now so short, I determined to give all the rest of the day to acts of devotion, without going into hall to dinner. So I retired to the garden, and first read "Flavel's Saint Indeed," and one of the Epistles, and then endeavoured to order my thoughts. How dark, confused, and wandering were they. I asked myself about what I was come to consider. I first assured myself upon grounds which I thought good, that I was building upon the right foundation, and then found that my true business was to get my heart, which has long been destitute of clear views of God, to become more spiritual. In prayer I continued some time with earnestness, and devoted myself to the service of my Lord with greater solemnity,

12. Rose from morning prayer with my soul breathing after holiness. I hoped that this day I should keep my heart with all diligence--found my spirit right, happy in God, and full of hope. Read some of Milner's Church History, and of Flavel's Saint Indeed, with great blessing. In the afternoon was at a party at--'s, with a party of men very familiar, as long known, though irreligious. What an unprofitable time it was, and that through my fault partly, and much do I fear I said many things in a way of wit to provoke or offend one of them there. Oh my soul, this is a fearful sin. How different was my conduct from the tender, pitying, humble, and serious deportment of a true child of God. Towards night, my heart declined in spirituality through want of reading scripture and prayer. But, oh that I might now truly begin to live with God, and to God.

13. I was watchful this morning against earthly thoughts, and God sent a blessing to my spirit. I enjoyed every thing, and rejoiced that I should daily grow more watchful, with every thought brought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. This happy and holy frame continued during my morning service, and during my ride to Lolworth, though it was harder to preserve yet the taste of the sweetness of it made me strive to keep God in sight by prayer. Preached on Heb. iii. 12. By altering the style of the written sermon, as I went along, it was delivered, I think, with plainness and earnestness. Read the evening service at Trinity church with unusual fervour; but with many vain self-exalting thoughts at so doing.

15. In morning prayer, I pleaded again and again that I might be heedful to my spirit during the day; that I might walk alone with God; that I might prepare myself for the evening, not with the detestable anxiety of approving myself unto men, but with the sole wish of doing the will of God.

16. In my walk I was at first greatly distressed, and appeared quite shut out from the divine presence. But I soon after beginning to learn some of Psalm cxix. and r repeating our Lord's farewell sermon in St. John, my peace returned. Thus the word of God is always my comfort. In prayer, I seemed to abjure all sin, I and the very approach to it, from the bottom of my heart. Read the second epistle to the Corinthians, with a special blessing. What mean dark views have I of the glorious ministrations of the Spirit. And if the work of the ministry be so awful, how can such a worm as I be faithful in it without earnest prayer and help from God. If Paul was such as we are in afflictions, distresses (and O how far off from any thing like this do I find myself) yet I ask myself, why am I not holy and heavenly-minded as Paul?

17. Rose early, with my spirit far from God, but I was brought to a humble, serious frame by prayer. Let it teach me to be constant and persevering in it.

18. The sciatica prevented me from sleeping much in the night, and I rose in exceeding pain of body. But I enjoyed blessed peace of mind, as I did also last night in prayer. It is the Lord, I trust, who kept me in perfect peace.

20. (Sunday.) Enjoyed this morning, as also last night, great blessedness in prayer. When I walked in the garden, the sight of the beautiful objects in it made God still appear to be very near. In the afternoon heard Mr. Lloyd preach with great clearness and power on the internal illumination of the Holy Spirit. During the anthem there, I seemed to have a foretaste of heaven, and could have wished to die, or to live always in that frame in which I found myself. Preached at Trinity this evening on Eph. iv. 30. Went home afterwards, and succeeded in keeping down all self-exalting thoughts, and to have my mind not taken up with thinking about what I had been just doing, but alone with God.

21. I awoke with a mind disposed to pray and praise, according to my prayer of yesterday, but by not immediately rising, my vain heart wandered from God again. O how do I waste and trifle with the precious gifts of God; yet in prayer "he restored" my soul again, and caused me to long earnestly for the continual walk of faith. Breakfasted with some friends, when the detestable spirit of pride, against which I had prayed, and which I foresaw would be working, molested me grievously. I considered myself as somebody, and that I must speak as an oracle on religion; however I said little to the purpose. In the evening read Daniel, and should have had my soul filled with awful thoughts, had I not borne in mind that I should read it on Wednesday night at the room. O what a snare are public ministrations to me! Not that I wish for the praise of men, but there is some fear and anxiety about not getting through. How happy could I be in meeting the people of my God more frequently, were it not for this fear of being unprofitable. But since God has given me natural gifts, let this teach me that all I want is a spiritual frame, to improve and employ them in the things of God.

22. Rose fearful, but I resolved again in the strength of God to struggle hard this day. Wasted a great deal of the morning in finding out a text for the fast-day. My mind was beginning to sink into discontent at my unprofitableness, but by reading some of Psalm cxix. And prayer, I recovered. I find my best preservative is to ask myself, Is my present temper, train of thoughts, &c. heavenly? then I strive to conform myself to the frame I should have, and the manner of speaking I should use, if my heart were filled with divine love.

It is amazing to me to reflect that I should have such a desire to die to the world, and to think of invisible things, as I believe I have, and yet find not only so much of sin, but also so much of levity in my spirit. The tide of animal spirits is so strong, that in the most sacred employment it intrudes and terrifies me. Yet in these two last days I have made progress, and blessed be God for it.

23. I was able to maintain the same watchful spirit this morning. At church my soul was assaulted grievously by wanderings of the eyes and heart, but the recollection of my late fellowship with God, helped to deliver me from those temptations. Sin is indeed inwrought into my nature; notwithstanding the greater "degree of care over my spirit I have exerted, yet the least occasion is enough to cause the outbreakings of corruption. In my walk, enjoyed a clear and tranquil frame, and much of the presence of God, though the commendation of my sermon I yesterday received, too frequently recurred as a favourite meditation. After dinner, alas! entirely indisposed to every duty, but I was much stirred up by prayer over Rev. iii. 4

24. Many of my waking thoughts were employed on the subject of keeping near to God.

25. (Fast-day.) Preached on Hosea vi. 1. At --'s could not succeed in making the conversation profitable, though I tried repeatedly. On coming away, I was beginning to be cast down at the thought of it, but I appealed to God, that I wished to improve the time in company better, and that it was all this time a grief to me, that the conversation was not more suitable to the day. Riding home, my heart was not fixed or rejoicing, except once at the reflection of having given up the things of the world, and having nothing of any kind to engage my thoughts here, but to become holy, and be the means of salvation to sinners. I could bless him also for giving me light and power to make so happy a choice.

26. My prayer this morning for a meek and holy sobriety was answered. O how sweet is the dawn of heaven. Read Juvenal for the examination, and my heart was soon departing from God, and leading me into dislike of his service. But by some well-timed checks it returned. Upon the whole, this has been the best week I have ever passed, for faith has been more in exercise. Yet I have little sense of communications from God.

27. (Sunday.) Rose at a quarter before five, and continued above an hour in prayer in great deadness till towards the end, when I could have gone on with delight if my strength had permitted. Walked in the garden with my heart continually wavering, sometimes reposing in full confidence on God, at other times made miserable by fears. My mind seemed fatigued all this day, incapable of enjoyment, though it approved supremely the things that are excellent. At times I felt myself hurried to thoughtless levity, but I cried to God for help. Indeed I was severely tried the whole day within and without. Preached at Lolworth, on Eph. iv. 30. but it seemed to tire them. Rode home quite disheartened * * * but I hastened to lift up my heart in prayer for fear of feeling any improper emotion.--told me after church of many faults in reading and preaching. Though I felt really rejoiced at his kindness, yet the discovery of any thing that made me contemptible to others, with the other proofs of desperate pride that I remembered this day, galled and grieved me; but at night I cried very earnestly that God would make me utterly despicable, and do any thing to destroy the accursed sin of my heart.

28. Oh that my soul could maintain but for one day the divine sweetness attending the exercise of humility and love! H. and S. breakfasted with me. I strove to keep my heart and my tongue as it were with a bridle. My thoughts were miserably wandering in my walk, through neglect of improving the time of reading and prayer.

Received a letter containing some unpleasant charges from one of our people; its first effect was to drive me nearer to God, and so give me peace.

29. Mr. K. White of Nottingham breakfasted with me. In my walk was greatly cast down, except for a short time on my return, when as I was singing or rather chanting some petitions in a low plaintive voice, I insensibly found myself sweetly engaged in prayer.

30. In prayer my heart was in my mouth, and greatly elevated in spirits, which I endeavoured to repress. During the rest of the morning I was assaulted by strong temptations, but some few ejaculations raised me above these sins and made me loathe them. Some evil reports concerning me have got abroad, and no hypothesis whatever will account for my conduct. I can only say that all that I did was from pure charity, and very painful to my own feelings, and so God knoweth. May he defend the honour of his minister, and enable me still to speak with all boldness.

31. In prayer I was so clearly enlightened with the knowledge of what I ought to be, and so longed to maintain in perfection a holy, humble, serious, devout spirit, that I thought I should have at least some strong desires all the day, but after pupil and reading Juvenal, I was unwilling either to pray or read the Bible. But through mercy I was soon restored, and walked out in the happy enjoyment of God's presence. Called and found C--, so meek and humble that I felt quite happy with him, and staid with him an hour, opening the truths of the precious Gospel with great comfort to him, as I afterwards learnt. Supped with B--, in company with seven other clergymen, all conscientious. I wished much to say something to a good purpose, but had no opportunity, yet I reasonably blamed myself afterwards, for not striving more, and for not having that spirituality of mind which, might have found opportunities when there were otherwise none. Once when I reflected how godly our conversation ought to he, how high our adoration and acknowledgment of the divine presence, and contrasted it with our conduct, I perceived we were fallen creatures.

June 1. Engaged all day long in hall. In the intervals I endeavoured to seek after God with various success. In hall I had occasion enough to check the risings of a vain conceited spirit.

2. In hall during the morning. Walked before dinner with B--, but I wanted to be alone. The conversation was about religion, but only about it. Soon after dinner I was somewhat shocked at considering how composedly I could go on so long without prayer, and not think of returning to it. I went to my room and prayed in seriousness, and found my spirit improved. Continued at Locke till half-past eleven, and then found myself all the worse for this sort of life, employed neither in divine thoughts nor works of charity. I think it almost impossible I could ever have been faithful to Christ in any other calling, my mind is so easily led away by the least earthly study. How dull, how slow in apprehending objects of faith, so that they should have a living power upon me!

3. At breakfast, from the circumstance of my cough, the conversation turned upon death and our preparation for it. I felt myself able to look forward to it with comfort. Preached at St. Giles, on John vii. 19. in weakness both of body and mind. After dinner I prayed with comfort, though for too short a time, and preached at the same church, on the parable of the lost sheep, with more animation both of mind and outward gesture than I have ever manifested. Called upon C--after church, and had some conversation with him to my great comfort. In private prayer at night I drew near the Lord and was particularly affected at the belief of --'s danger. Oh may he at last hear my prayers for her.

4. In hall during the morning. The utmost attention to mental employment does not prevent the intrusion of vain and sinful thoughts; why then should it of religious thoughts? By many seasonable checks I turned away my thoughts from a light unholy spirit, and directed it to use the posture as it were of humility and love. During my walk I learnt the latter part of 2 Tim. and Titus, with great conviction of the awful charge of the ministry. Some men complain that the wheels of their bodily machine run too slow for the soul, and so may I say in many things; but I may also add with equal truth, that the wheels of my body often run too fast for the soul, so that often when the soul is longing to compose itself to the exercise of a calm and sober temper, the animal spirits hurry it away in clear contradiction to the will.

5. Enjoyed considerable peace this morning. Several marks of the contempt of men, at different times of the day, affected me but little. In my walk, found my mind very readily brought into somewhat of a temper of tenderness and sobriety, though not a clear sense of the divine presence. At night, read the six last Psalms, with some suitableness of spirit.

6. Was very irregular in prayer this morning, my heart seemed disposed to praise, but I am always easily deceived by frames of joy. But I have through grace, acquired more discernment, or at least have learnt by my own feelings what frame is not right. I have often had a great deal of joy without peace, it was not pure; my natural temper is a long way distant from that calm sobriety of soul, where self is altogether abased and forgotten, and God and his glory are the only subject and object of the thoughts. By repeated enjoyment of this blessed temper, I trust that through the Spirit it will become habitual. White came in, and continued with me at tea, and in a walk till past nine. In the interval of a few minutes of his absence, I prayed for myself, and particularly for him, that I might be able to lay before him, motives for a more entire resignation of himself; but the conversation afterwards, whether through my fault or not I cannot say, but certainly against my will, was upon something else. Read Ezek. iii. and xxxiii. with awful convictions of the importance of the ministry.

7. Breakfasted with--who said many strong things against my sermons which pained my mind not a little all the day. In a short walk in the evening, my heart ascended to God, and I recovered considerable peace. Passed the rest of the evening at Mr. Simeon's with--he contrived to say many things to us both for our good; to me, by making some remarks on a person, who, he said, lashed the subjects of censure in his sermons with undue severity, forgetting that he himself was equally weak; his remarks, he said, were too broad and without a due mixture of light and shade, and seemed to manifest a lamentable ignorance of his own heart.

8. The whole of this morning in settling the classes; it was a joyful thing to throw off immediately afterwards all the earthly thoughts that had come upon me,--was much disturbed this evening by employing myself about something which excluded the Bible for a time, though I felt that I ought to be reading that. How easy is it, and yet how awful, to grieve the Holy Spirit of God.

9. This morning H. breakfasted with me, and left Cambridge finally. After he was gone I sat an hour in melancholy reflection on the transitory nature of earthly things, and should have continued longer, had my thoughts been fixed steadily on the subject. In my walk, my mind was wandering, but I fled instantly to God, and prayed for purification and strength. Supped at D's. and our evening passed in a happy spiritual manner. D. read some interesting parts of Mr. Wesley's Journal among the Americans, and we discoursed also upon the character of Mr. Fletcher. I felt animated for a time to be such an one, and what was it but slothfulness, and unbelief, and self-indulgence, that suffer these desires to decline, or that keep me from attaining their heights of holiness?

10. (Sunday.) Felt rather cast down in the service, from fear that my manner was offensive to the people. On my ride to Lolworth, my mind was rather dark, and terrified, and absent from God, yet I succeeded at times in encouraging myself with the assurance, that if but one word of scripture suited me, it was sufficient for me to rest upon. At church, when the first psalm was sung before the sermon, I found my heart rivetted in the most enrapturing sweetness, while it silently professed to God its desires of holiness. How vain, how contemptible, did every sensual joy appear at the moment. During my walk home from church, though it was but a few minutes, my pride and vanity found employment. But though unconscious of any thing practically wrong at the time, when I came home I began to be provoked at myself for thus destroying my own happiness, and grieving the Holy Spirit. Directly after, having occasion to go across the court, the same detestable passions led me into a series of thoughts which had continued for some time before I was aware of it. These are sad proofs of the desperate wickedness of the heart. "Oh wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death! "These words just express my feelings. I am thankful that God has not given me anyone talent more than he has, for, humanly speaking, they would endanger my soul. Now, would to God I were quite dead to the world. It will be heaven indeed to me, when self is entirely lost. I had rather be a slave to another in a case where I could be purely disinterested, than submit to this most loathsome vassalage to my ownself.

11. After my morning prayer, my heart enjoyed a calm and blessed temper, but it gradually declined by my forgetting to watch over myself in conversation with others. Rode with Mr. Simeon to Shelford, he was talking chiefly of my going to India. As I am wanted in several places immediately, he had no doubt but I should go early in the spring. The rest of the day at Shelford, my mind was at peace, though for want of retirement I enjoyed no sensible communion with God. In reading at night Levit. x. and Brown's Reflections, I was deeply affected, and had many momentary glances of holy thoughts and resolutions, but my mind had been so taken up with earthly objects this day, that I had no power to fix them on heavenly things. Oh, how is it possible that a sinner liable to be hurried in a moment to the tribunal of God could ever walk so carelessly!

12. I was grieved to find that all the exertions of prayer were necessary against worldly mindedness, so soon had the prospect of the means of competent support in India filled my heart with concern about earthly happiness, marriage, &c. but I strove earnestly against them, and prayed for grace that if it should please God to try my faith by calling me to a post of opulence, I might not dare to use for myself what is truly his: as also, that I might be enabled to keep myself single for serving him more effectually. Nevertheless, this change in my circumstances so troubled me, that I could have been infinitely better pleased to have gone out as a missionary, poor as the Lord and his apostles. I had a long conversation with Mr.--, in which he seemed at first to complain rather severely, that I said nothing for the comfort of the saints, told me that I knew nothing as yet of my own heart, and many other things to the same purpose, with proper modesty, but clearly enough for me to perceive his drift. I left him rather humbled, conscious of my shallowness; my mind estranged from divine things through long discontinuance of private prayer. I had promised to walk with--, which was perfectly hateful to me at this time, when I had such need of being alone with God. I have declined so sensibly these last two or three days, that I design to devote to-morrow to fasting and prayer, and may it please God to make it the means of quickening me again. My heart already rejoices at the prospect of the increase of spirituality. Read two or three first chapters of Jeremiah at night, with some impressions.

13. Before breakfast I continued about an hour and a half in a prayer of humiliation. The rest of the day after church, was passed in reading and prayer, and latterly in writing a sermon for next Sunday. My heart was engaged sweetly but at one time, and that was in the work of intercession. Walked out in the evening in great tranquillity, and on my return met with Mr. C--, with whom I was obliged to walk an hour longer. He thought it a most improper step for me to leave the University to preach to the ignorant heathen, which any person could do, and that I ought rather to improve the opportunity of acquiring human learning. All our conversation on the subject of earning, religion, &c. ended in nothing, he was convinced he was right, and all the texts of Scripture I produced, were applicable, according to him, only to the times of the apostles. How is my soul constrained to adore the sovereign mercy of God, who began his work in my proud heart, and carried it on through snares which have ruined thousands, namely, human learning and honours: and now, my soul, dost thou not esteem all things but dung and dross, compared with the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord. Yea, did not gratitude constrain me, did not duty and fear of destruction, yet surely the excellency of the service of Christ would constrain me to lay down ten thousand lives in the prosecution of it. My heart was a little discomposed this evening at the account of the late magnificent prizes proposed by Mr. Buchanan and others, in the University, for which Mr. C. has been calling me to write; but I was soon at rest again. But how easily do I forget that God is no respecter of persons; that in the midst of the notice I attract as an enthusiast, he judges of me according to my inward state. Oh! my soul, take no pleasure in outward religion, nor in exciting wonder, but in the true circumcision of the heart.

14. Called out directly after breakfast, and then great part of the morning was lost about nothing. On my return I was verging to discontent and unwillingness to write a sermon, but changed to a most admiring and elevated joy at the thought of being a minister of the most high God, called to proclaim the dignity and excellence of Jesus Christ.

15. Prayed that the pressure of ministerial concerns might not disturb my mind during the day.

16. Maintained a right spirit of peace and love through the early part of the morning.--told me of many contemptuous insulting things that had been said of me, reflecting, some on my understanding, some on my condition, sincerity, inconsistent conduct. It was a great trial of my patience, and I was frequently tempted in the course of the evening, to let my natural spirit rage forth in indignation and revenge, but I remembered him of whom it was said, "Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously." As I was conscious I did not deserve the censures which were passed upon me, I committed myself to God, and in him may I abide until the indignation be overpast! My soul, alas, needs these uneasinesses in outward things, to be driven to take refuge in God.

17. (Sunday.) At church, in the service enjoyed much peace. Preached on 1 Tim. i. 15, to a full congregation. I hope some were affected, though, when I reflect upon the indifference of my heart, I have need to fear, lest no soul should ever be given to me. Drank tea at Mr.--'s, in order to have an opportunity of expressing my sense of the misconduct of--, staying with him, who had been the means of spreading the reports about me. After tea I spoke of this, though fearful of being in perturbation, as it was before the whole family, but I put myself into the hands of God, who truly enabled me to preserve what I most wished, an unshaken composure of mind. I went away very thankful to God, who had given me the means of satisfying all those who heard me. Afterwards, till the evening sermon, I was thinking far too much of this business and other earthly things, but Mr. Simeon's sermon on Jeremiah xxxi. 8, 9, restored me a little, and made me desire to be alone with God. In prayer at night I seemed to be awakened from a long sleep; alas, I have had a name to live, and have been dead. Not having stirred up myself to take hold of God, I have become unconscious of the burden of corruption, and the consequence is, that pride has spread over my whole heart, and swallowed up my whole spirit. "When I began to perceive it through mercy this evening, and attempted to be humbled before God, I found it utterly impossible. I could only say before him, that I had no power of myself to think a good thought, and so I found it then. Every desire after grace, and help, and strength against corruption, was itself full of corruption. One thing was particularly offensive to me. How experimental a Christian, thought I, shall I be in my sermons, when I come to describe the feelings and workings of my mind this evening. Wretched, wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this never-ceasing self-complacency, this accursed pride. O may the spirit always make me groan under this burden, and bring to my first remembrance in the morning the corruption of my heart, and teach me the way of obtaining suitable humiliation.

18. In my walk, for the most part I was very unhappy. I was willing to take my heart into exercise, and begin a thorough work of humiliation and conviction, but it appeared closed up on all sides, every avenue to it seemed to be hid in darkness and confusion. However, before I returned home, I found peace returning, upon the consideration, that my duty was to be diligent in secret exercises, and God himself would teach me. In the afternoon read ' Tennant's India,' and foresaw that my future life in that country would be outwardly odious to the last degree. But in the face of every difficulty I could truly say, "None of these things move me." The rest of the evening passed rather unprofitably, by my looking at several chapters for exposition, without settling: yet my mind seemed to be blest from above; I passed an hour in prayer at one time with much delight, especially in the work of intercession.

19. Rode to Shelford to dinner; on the road at first I was far from God, but my heart revived afterwards, so that I found him my chief joy, and depended on him for making me walk becomingly.

Supped at B--'s in the evening, and notwithstanding a serious prayer beforehand, I was unwatchful, and too much conformed to the world. I know not how to conduct myself well in such cases.

21. In my walk, my mind was not at peace. Alas, my faith fails every day. I cannot trust God for strengthening me and guiding me. Went in the afternoon with some degree of affection and zeal to Wall's Lane. Sat an hour with two old women, both above fourscore, and talked to little effect apparently. Had some comfort in prayer afterwards at home, and received B--in a serious frame. How encouraging is it to further exertion, that the Lord sends a blessing to the least degree of diligence. At church Mr. Simeon preached on John iv. 34. "My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work." The text struck me exceedingly, and so did his first division, which showed our Lord's fervent affection, unwearied diligence, and undaunted resolution in doing his work. My soul was stirred up within me to follow his steps, and to devote myself thus entirely to his service, as I did not believe I had ever truly done. I almost trembled to promise or vow before God, that I would be his for ever, yet I gave up myself in prayer to be his servant, and the follower of Jesus Christ. My desires are at present very strong for a conformity to Christ, not so much from a sense of the beauty of holiness, as from the hope of glory and esteem of the superlative excellency of such a life. Yet my heart sinks within me at the prospect of the terrible opposition I shall have to encounter from the world, from the flesh, and from the Devil; from the two former especially. Oh God, do thou strengthen me, that my faith fail not, that I may not be discouraged till I have said, "It is finished."

22. Retained all this day the impression of yesterday, and considered myself as bound by promise and by the convictions of yesterday, to be as one wholly devoted to God.

Passed the rest of the morning chiefly in the summer house, hoping by meditation and prayer to have my mind made spiritual, and prepared for usefulness in the ministry, but gained little access to God from being much under the influence of a self-dependent spirit. Yet I continued in supplication, in the assurance that in his good time I should find a blessing. Rode in the afternoon to Boxworth, and on the road was rather about to be with God than with him.

23. A little before prayer at noon I was trifling, and in the exercise found myself praying in unbelief, with no sense of God's majesty, nor any awful sense of offending him. In some alarm I cried for help and mercy, and in great pain and difficulty stirred up my heart to make a few petitions in earnest. One section of Psalm cxix, I found very suitable. I was grieved at my waste of time, and want of communion with God, and general unprofitableness; but found a humbling effect produced by the inquiry into my own mind. Teach me, O Lord, the way of thy statutes, and I shall keep it unto the end. May I walk humbly through life, the faithful servant and minister of Christ.

24. I was rather watchful during the morning, and at times during the service, had a joyful sense of the divine presence; but as it was chiefly during the hymns, I think these affections suspicious. Let me feel the same sweet heart-burning emotions in the midst of a desert, and I shall then attribute them to the Spirit. Several marks of love and esteem shown me by persons I respect, raised my animal spirits to a great height, while in the mean time my heart was proportionably grieved. Oh how far preferable is one taste of the sweet frame of love to all this crackling of thorns under a pot. I desire something of which I have but a distant glimmering, often disapproving of a life of true piety: when shall I live forgetful of the world, with all my thoughts, motives, pleasures, &c. centering in God?

25. Was still anxious after deadness to the world, and love to God, both for the sake of my own comfort, and that I might be better qualified to go through the service. So many base and bye ends are there even in my desires after holiness. Went to--to tea, where I hoped to be as one belonging to another world, but self-seeking and pride showed too plainly that I belonged to this. Took the last chapter of Daniel, and had too great freedom of speech for my seriousness and peace. I not only was vain, but what is more, I think that I showed my vanity. Wandered into the walks in great dejection, when I met with that man of God, Mr. Lloyd. He presently began on the subject of pride, and other evils, indwelling in our corrupted hearts, on all which I could talk justly from experience, and was of course pleased with my own penetration, and with being able to converse with so confirmed a Christian; but knowing is nothing; "to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not." I know how, but I find not. Let me but ply heart-work in secret, let me but walk alone in communion with God, and I shall surely be able to offer him sacrifices more pure, though from the experience of others I am taught to expect never to be able to escape from corruption, till I leave the body; my only fear is, lest I should rest satisfied with having discovered my own corruption, without labouring to overcome it. But God who has sent me light to see these things, will quicken the paralyzed powers of my soul, and help me to throw off the poison of my heart.

26. Heard enough of the business of--to make me sick of the world. Oh, what a relief it is to my burdened soul, to depart in spirit from this scene of vanity and error, to repose with God. Rose extremely careless of my thoughts, but in prayer had the same desires as for the last three or four days. In my walk enjoyed great peacefulness. I am far more satisfied than I ever was, now that I see the corruption of my heart more, and the provision made for its renovation by the Spirit, in the great plan of Christ's redemption. "The law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, hath made me free," &c. and the whole of the first part of Rom. viii. appeared to me to refer to sanctification. After dinner was at H--'s with a party, but repented afterwards, as it was time lost, no opportunity offering to speak for their good. Went to the hospital, and read John iv, and at seven to the society of young men, and expounded the same chapter as last night, but with great dulness I suppose, for one of them was set fast asleep. This little event had a blessed effect on my spirit in prayer, as my heart was humbled by it. * * Any little marks of the contempt of men are the most wholesome diet I can use. The praises of men do not puff me up proportionably, because I am used to them; but to be despised of men is not a customary thing with me, and affects me very deeply. My pride is sensibly wounded, and I think less of myself. What may be the design of God in thus lowering me in the opinion of those who hear me, and so apparently diminishing my usefulness in the ministry, I am at a loss to conceive. Perhaps he is teaching me the horrible nature of the least sin, or is weaning my heart from finding my comfort in any thing but him, since even his own people are turned against me; or is preparing my faith for future trials, or is teaching me prudence, that I may learn by bitter experience, how to behave myself in the Church of God; or perhaps all these. If it be for sin, my heart shall acknowledge that it is a slight chastisement compared with the just punishment of it. If it be to teach me better things I will bless the Lord. But enough of worldly things. "O that I had wings like a dove! for then would I flee away and be at rest. Lo then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest." Thus my imagination takes to itself wings, and flies to some 'wilderness where I may hold converse in solitude with God. 'The world forgetting by the world forgot.' Read and prayed with my bed-maker at night.

27. Was interrupted and distracted in prayer this morning. A funeral and calls of friends took up my time till eleven, afterwards read Persian, and made some calculations in Trigonometry, in order to be familiar with the use of Logarithms. But my mind by giddy levity with a friend was grieved and injured. Yet it pleased the Lord to restore me, and lead me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Dined at Mr. Simeon's, and then I went to the hospital, and in going remembered how frequently my treacherous heart had been wandering after vanity. I went afterwards with a party to an inspection of soldiers, but soon retired realty grieved that my poor fellow-creatures, who were there in such numbers, sought their happiness in such miserable vanities. O how do they contrive to live without God. I retired into the fields to regain reflection, and could say I came not hither by constraint but choice. O what would have been the misery of my mind by this time had I not known God! Even in much earlier youth, when far more was to be expected from the world, I looked round in distress, saying, Who will show me any good? I should now probably have been living in the full indulgence of carnal lusts, and be labouring after the largest possible acquisition of human glory either in military life, though my frame be feeble, or by learning. Consequently I should now be tortured by remorse and guilt, and my temper would be bitter to furiousness by disappointment and envy. As I have this day been constrained to adore the mercy of God who hath saved me from recent snares, so will I now praise him for having turned me from a life of woe to the enjoyment of peace and hope. The work is real. I can no more doubt it than 1 can my own existence. The whole current of my desires is altered, I am walking quite another way, though I am incessantly stumbling in that way, yet the lusts of the flesh, the lusts of the eyes, and the pride of life, engage more of my thoughts than I should conceive possible in one who really finds happiness only in that proportion as he sees himself a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth.

28. Was interrupted in prayer this morning in consequence of rising late. Read at the hospital after dinner, 1 Pet. iv. and was about a sermon till church time, many of my dear brethren in the ministry were there. During service I felt great fear at times, though I said to myself, what means this anxiety? Am I not ashamed to speak in the presence of Jehovah, and shall I be confounded before a few poor mortals? In the pulpit I was free from all fear, and delivered my sermon on the blessed subject, 1 Tim. i. 15. with animation and ease, and with more inward delight than I ever before felt in the pulpit. But there was a great deal of pride and vanity in my heart all the rest of the evening. After supper called and spoke to poor S--for some time, but in vain.

29. Alas! my soul is becoming dead again, though it hath a name to live; so short, so distant am I in prayer. In the morning I thought I had obtained the possession of a heavenly temper, but very soon an occasion, the slightest possible, shewed me that I was proud, impatient, and peevish. The morning was taken up by walking with others, by which I was left empty and unhappy. At dinner I lifted up my heart with some success, and in prayer in my rooms afterwards. Went to the hospital with a good look out after my own heart, lest it should rove in pursuit of earthly concerns. Read to them Isaiah Iv. and conversed afterwards with them in their respective wards. D--continued with me all the evening, so that not a single thing has been done this day in private. Read at night the three first chapters of the Revelations, and found them as usual very searching and awful. Prayed at night with fervor.

30. Some friends breakfasted with me this morning, and I hoped by my prayer beforehand that I should have been able in my conversation to stir them up, but I failed, partly through their fault, but chiefly through my own. How little heavenly-mindedness is there amongst us r-------teased and troubled my mind, but I felt confidence in the evidence of God. After dinner found my mind serious and earnest over 1 Thess. Read in the hospital Matt. vii. I rode to Lolworth and sought to be cheerful, sometimes from the prospect of going home, sometimes from the consideration of all the subjects of hope. But finding these unable to cheer me, I inquired what was my real good? the answer I ought to make is 'the enjoyment of God,' but not being able to conceive this at the time, I rather supposed that the perfection of our natures in holiness was the chief blessing.